Sunday, August 24, 2008

A short novel, basically.

Omg, hi! My dearest, sweetest, most loveliest blog of mine! Haven't seen you in a while. I hope you have been good?
Lots has happened in the past days, I shall share a few of those things now with you, my sexy reader.

So you may have probably seen my latest video. Yes, I mean the one with the flowers. And if you haven't, BURN IN HELL!!!! Or something like that. But let's just say you have, and you know what I'm referring to right now.
Me and this car of mine and its passed away windshield wipers (may they rest in pieces), we went to the police station last Friday. Filing a report for fun, and by fun I mean insurance paper work crap stuff.
I shall now semi-copy & paste a check list that has its origins in a skype conversation, just because it was awesome and fabulous and I hope the person that I steal this from will not hate me forever and wish for my soul to suffer from eternal hell fire (what's with me and "hell" today?? I wish I knew, honestly.).
Oh and also, it's probably the easiest and fastest way to demonstrate how that police business went.

1. Finding the police station: Check!
2. Meet an annoyingly mean cop: Check!
3. Meet another cop who turned out to be quite funny and nice: Check!
4. File report and answer horrible questions about status, job or academic title: Check!
5. Take awesome pictures of the damaged car: Check!
6. Drive home and piss someone off while accidentally cutting them off: Check!

And that was that.
What I absolutely loved about this experience was that the police dude I talked to spoke the strongest Bavarian accent ever. He could have been straight out of one of those Bavarian sitcoms that no one of you will know now, but oh well. Point being: it was funny and stuff.
The only thing that made me cringe a little inside was when he asked me if I had any enemies or any idea who could have been the fuckface who did this to my beautiful little baby (aka car) and it just felt so wrong to get asked that question when it's not in a black and white movie and the cop is not wearing a trenchcoat and is actually a private detective and smoking a big cigar and I was not one of those big breast ladies with huge waves in their hair and wearing a classic 50's dress and.. oh my, I get carried away here, but I'm sure you get the point.

So that was that. This time for real. Next point of this blog post that doesn't seem to end.

The next episode of Friday was my drive to my dad's. I tried to get there before the big raining happened, because you know: no windshield wipers + rain = epic fail.
Unfortunately though that plan didn't really work out all that well. It did start light-raining halfway through, I pulled over, stopped at a McDonald's/gas station type place thingie. RASTSTÄTTE is the correct word, but damnit I will not try to find an equivalent for that or the exact translation. Anyways!
I called my dad and cried for help, he told me to just try and drive on (so responsible!!) and that it wasn't raining at his place yet so if I could manage to be faster than the rain, it should all work out.
So I thought, fine, if father says it, I shall just try.
BIG FUCKING MISTAKE. Never listen to your parents, kids. They're all full of lies. Remember the story about Santa?? Yeah?? Well it's not getting better when you get older!!!!!!
So after like half a kilometer, the rain started again. Turned out I was not driving in front of the rain cloud, but actually just behind it. I couldn't see shit, so I pulled over once again, but only to some sort of side track thingie, whatever you may call them. Not an actual place where you're supposed to stop, but for emergency stops only. But fuck me, if that was NOT an emergency stop then I don't know what is!!
So there I was, sitting in my car, trying frantically to reach my dad again who of course did not pick up his phone (lies and hate, that's a parents' thing, I tell you!), I then finally reached my friend Nina who offered to pick me up at the next Autobahn-exit if I ever managed to get there somehow. And during this lovely 30-40 minutes waiting there, I actually saw five other cars who stopped at this emergency stop thingie to fix their wipers. That amused me a lot!
Let me get to the end of the story now (we're almost there, I promise!).
After a while it stopped raining again, and now I only had to wait for the road to get dry so it wasn't like there was rain from below. Know what I mean? Good.
And when I was almost confident about continuing my driving, another car stopped behind me, approximately two meters away. I started the engine and drove about 20 centimeters, and then the car behind me HIT ME!!!! I turned off the car, stepped out, wearing a huge screw face (I was so so so pissed off at that point, you have no idea), some greasy poser dude with way too much gel in his hair and a way too shiny bling-bling earring stepped out of the car that hit my car, I asked politely "WTF WAS THAT?????", he laughed and said: "I just wanted to shove you a bit!"
You. Cannot. Imagine. How. Fucking. Mad. I. Was.
Good thing: after inspecting every inch of my car's back, nothing had happened, and I just asked the gel-dude if he maybe knew how many meters/kilometers it was to the next Autobahn-exit. He said he had a map in the car and would take a look. So since I was already all soaking wet from this rain business earlier, I went back into my car, waiting for him to tell me the answer to my question, and what did that asshole do?? Drive past by me and away.
WOAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!! (Yes, spelled like that. Shut up.)
Seriously, wtf.
And now to the REAL end of the story:
The road was dry enough again so I could drive and finally managed to get to my dad's place before the REAL rain started.
What. A. Day.

Now I'm wondering if you've really read all of this. But that's what you get if I don't update this frequently and also have a freaking insane day like this!

I should maybe also mention that I watched The Dark Knight on Saturday. And I loved it. The camera work alone made me all tingly and all in all it was just a 10/10 movie. Not a big fan of the new Batmobile though, but oh well. Worse things have happened. [And omggggggg the whole huge scene in that bridge/tunnel thingie with the chase and all the cars and omgggggg that was awesome!!!!!!! And so many other things, but I won't spoil it for anyone, so I'll stop here.]

And.. I'm really done now. Longest blog post in the history of this blog, and if you made it to this point, I'm very proud of you. Very, very.

For no apparent reason I'm full of love for everyone today, and that's exactly how I should end this.
Hearts and rainbows and kittens and glitter!!!

Kiwi

12 comments:

  1. Sounds like I need to send you a Glock.

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  2. I might have left the anonymous comment. I love Germany but it sounds like someone needs a cap in their...

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  3. "Do the interns get Glocks?"
    "No. They all share one"

    I think I can forgive my parents for the Santa lies. Good excuse for them to buy me toys. I actually pretended to keep believing in Santa so they would keep buying me toys for xmas >:)

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  4. But I know about the Rosenheimcops! So you obviously didn't talk to me when you started off with that sexy reader. How sad, but I can live with that! :(
    What happend to your car is unacceptable! You should really have a baseball bat in your car or something. I mean, what is going on in the little brains of these people? Shove you a bit? I would so have shoven...... arg.

    I hope your "bad car time" is now over for the next few years!

    [Dark Knight Spoilers ahead! Stop here, if you didn't see it yet, to not influence your first impression!]
    -------------------------------
    So, how did you like the Batman guy himself? Somehow I thought he was a bit lame, uninspired, dunno... Tony Stark was so much cooler as Iron Man, imho.

    And I hope that your maximum love for everyone today is put to good use. Like e.g. in a big LCult "afterweekend" party with ALL of its available members, if you know what I mean.
    The pure existance of harmonic and drama free groups and friendships like that one, save my soul and believe in human kind. Kthxbye! <3 :)

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  5. whoa! that was a really eventful day! I don't even know what to say to that! but the dark knight was amazing! i agree about the filming, it couldn't have been better! yay for hearts and rainbows and kittens and glitter. that made me very happy!
    talk to you soon!

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  6. OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! your poor car...has i not been through enough!!!???


    Glad you're alive.
    p.s

    heath ledger = the sex

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  7. from twitter I imagined you being seriously hurt, and the poor pretty car totaled.. I'm so glad he was just the biggest ass in the world and not.. you know.. something worse..

    So it's deffo a movie to see in the theater and not illegally online eh?.. hmm..

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  8. that made me smile, thanks for sharing

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  9. Holy Shit!! I would have drank a great many biers (i like to spell this bier rather than this beer, I don't really know why) after all that mess. And I would have made my father buy them for me!! The dark knight was a great movie!

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  10. oh...it's so good to end on a happy note! :D

    i'm glad you tried to be safe with the whole rain and no windshield wipers. and that you made it to your dad's place...eventually!

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  11. Maybe you should take your cam with you everytime you go outside so we can see when you finally punch someone in the face for doing something to your car.

    Did you check if there is some black, tiny cloud hovering above your head with a little sign on it reading "Car damage cloud - beware!"?

    So ... best wishes for the future of your car
    (and the next time someone hits your car for fun, kick his ass and tell him you just wanted to shove him ...)

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