Saturday, August 18, 2007

Big Time Ew.

If you share a flat with someone.. You might be able to relate to this.

Top Ten Things Not To Do In A Flat Share:

#10 - Why close your door when you go to bed. It's much more chatty and open if people that don't sleep at 10pm have to be quiet as hell not to wake you up. And if they do, please be sure to be as bitchy as possible.

#9 - There is absolutely no need for putting away all your stuff you need to fix your hair with after using it. It's great when every fucking space in the bathroom is occupied by a blow-dryer, a hair straightener and a never cleaned brush.

#8 - If you buy groceries, please be sure to place them all over the fucking fridge so there is no particular order anymore. Who needs that anyways. Totally overrated.

#7 - Speaking of food: If you're buying fish marinated in the most disgustingly smelling sauce ever, why not eat it while sitting on the bed of your roommate, spilling sauce all over the place? That will be highly appreciated. Trust me.

#6 - Speaking of food part 2: If your roommate makes something to eat, be sure to tell him/her how extremely disgusting you find whatever it is, he or she is making. It's a super awesome idea.

#5 - Speaking of food part 3: Washing dishes is fun, everybody knows that. And if it's your turn to wash them, it's gonna be even more fun if you make sure nothing you just washed and dried is actually clean before you put it back in the cupboard. That way it will be such a nice surprise for the person who wants to use the plate or jar for themselves.

#4 - Taking a bath is relaxing. It's even better if you leave the bathtub dirty as hell after you took a bath. The person who wants to use the bathtub after you will be thrilled! Especially if you leave hair and dried crusty foam behind.

#3 - If you need to go for number 2.. Don't ever clean the toilet after you're done. Hygiene in the bathroom is completely overrated and nothing to be focussed on. Seriously.

#2 - Try to constantly spend time with your roommate. Textmessage or call him/her, whenever he or she is not at home, ask about where he/she is, when he/she's coming back, and what the plans are for the next day. And please don't forget to be fucking bitchy when it comes to a point where your roommate wants to have a little privacy (i.e. time off from you). That's just a no-go and should never ever be tolerated. Your roommate's only duty is to spend time with you and only you and there is absolutely no fucking way to make any excuses.

#1 - Speaking of which: Your roommate has friends besides you? Don't you let him/her get away with that! Hate on your roommate's friends as much as possible, be a total jerk when those friends are at your place so they never wanna come back again, and try to make them look bad and stupid at any given chance. Furthermore make tons of friends yourself, it doesn't even matter if you really like them or not, as long as they look good, have a lot of money and assure your place in society: They're the perfect choice! It doesn't matter if they're stupid as fuck, or absolutely uncapabale of having a real conversation. It's also a good choice to make your roommate look stupid whenever your friends are around, and at the same time try to make your roommate bond with your friends. But beware: If there might be the slightest chance of your roommate actually getting along with one of your friends, start the pissed-off-mode before you may have lost a friend to your roommate. To make yourself look more interesting, you can also go for the "Look at my freak roommate" choice. That's never a bad idea.

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